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Forget bringing your sweetheart home to meet Mom and Dad. Been there, done that.
The pressure is really on when single parents bring home that special someone to meet the kids.
When C.J. Baker, now 18, was in kindergarten, he remembers watching a lot of slow-pitch softball with his mom, Debbi, and her group of friends. That’s because Debbi had started dating Mark Denzler, who played on the team. The casual pre- and post-game environment gave Mark and C.J. a chance to interact informally that summer and fall of 2000.
“I didn’t really pay attention while they were dating,” C.J. said of his mom and stepdad. He didn’t have to, because Debbi and Mark were intentional about sharing their developing relationship with him on a slow and steady basis.
Dating wasn’t something Debbi entered into casually after her divorce from C.J.’s father.
“You are looking for a partner for yourself, but also for a good role model for your child,” Debbi said. “I had a list of expectations. He had to be a father figure and role-model material. And I wanted to introduce any relationship very slowly to C.J.”
‘Take your time’
Going slowly is a key to success during these situations, said Tina Neely, a volunteer leader of West Side Christian Church’s “New Beginnings” class that focuses on single parent issues stemming from divorce.
Among other topics, the 13-week class offered twice a year at the Springfield, Ill., church covers how to be a single parent and how to move beyond divorce and be a single adult.
Neely suggests that the biggest issue is to date outside of parenting time — mainly because you don’t want your child to bond with someone you are merely dating. For Mark and Debbi Denzler, this translated into dating on the weekends when C.J. was at his father’s home.
“Their children can know they are having fun with an adult, but their children should not meet the person they are dating until they are ready to marry this person,” Neely said. “That’s one of the hardest things for people to decide to do.”
Mark Denzler understands the reasoning behind this approach.
“I was more cautious,” he said of that time period. “I didn’t want C.J. to get attached.”
He recommends that others facing a similar situation have a clear idea of the relationship and how to communicate it to the child. “Take your time,” he added.
Forget bringing your sweetheart home to meet Mom and Dad. Been there, done that.
The pressure is really on when single parents bring home that special someone to meet the kids.
When C.J. Baker, now 18, was in kindergarten, he remembers watching a lot of slow-pitch softball with his mom, Debbi, and her group of friends. That’s because Debbi had started dating Mark Denzler, who played on the team. The casual pre- and post-game environment gave Mark and C.J. a chance to interact informally that summer and fall of 2000.
“I didn’t really pay attention while they were dating,” C.J. said of his mom and stepdad. He didn’t have to, because Debbi and Mark were intentional about sharing their developing relationship with him on a slow and steady basis.
Dating wasn’t something Debbi entered into casually after her divorce from C.J.’s father.
“You are looking for a partner for yourself, but also for a good role model for your child,” Debbi said. “I had a list of expectations. He had to be a father figure and role-model material. And I wanted to introduce any relationship very slowly to C.J.”
‘Take your time’
Going slowly is a key to success during these situations, said Tina Neely, a volunteer leader of West Side Christian Church’s “New Beginnings” class that focuses on single parent issues stemming from divorce.
Among other topics, the 13-week class offered twice a year at the Springfield, Ill., church covers how to be a single parent and how to move beyond divorce and be a single adult.
Neely suggests that the biggest issue is to date outside of parenting time — mainly because you don’t want your child to bond with someone you are merely dating. For Mark and Debbi Denzler, this translated into dating on the weekends when C.J. was at his father’s home.
“Their children can know they are having fun with an adult, but their children should not meet the person they are dating until they are ready to marry this person,” Neely said. “That’s one of the hardest things for people to decide to do.”
Mark Denzler understands the reasoning behind this approach.
“I was more cautious,” he said of that time period. “I didn’t want C.J. to get attached.”
He recommends that others facing a similar situation have a clear idea of the relationship and how to communicate it to the child. “Take your time,” he added.
There also are practical limitations to dating someone with kids. No more running off to see a movie on the spur of the moment. Planning ahead becomes a necessity.
Keep child in mind
When the time comes to introduce that special someone to your child, the responses of both the kids and the adults need to be taken into consideration.
Neely offers this warning: “That special person needs to be prepared to not necessarily be welcomed. They need to go at it from the perspective that ‘I’m changing these children’s world.’”
If that is a problem, the person’s reaction might pose a red flag to the parent.
“They need to take it slow and be prepared for a little bit of opposition,” Neely said. “Then the parent just needs to talk with their children about it. It’s not the child’s choice, but they do need to communicate. As a parent, I’m going to listen to what my child’s objections are but if it is just ‘I don’t want my life to change,’ that’s a fine line to walk as a parent.”
The potential minefield beneath that formal introduction is why it is important to proceed with care.
“Unless you know this person is staying, don’t fight the battle,” Neely said. “If it is casual, keep it that way.”
When Mark and Debbi sat down with C.J. to tell him they planned to get married, the boy responded with a couple of questions: “Where am I going to live?” and, “What do I call Mark?”
Mark was careful to reassure C.J. that he wasn’t trying to replace his father. Instead, he was adding to the family structure. There has been little, if any, stress associated with C.J.’s four parents, Debbi and Mark Denzler of Springfield and David and Mary Baker of Chatham, Ill. They communicate regularly. In fact, the two couples have attended parent-teacher conferences together.
“I never really realized how much it meant to have four different parents,” C.J. said. “It amazes me how you take things for granted without knowing it. Having four parents is the greatest thing to ever happen to me.”
Julie Kaiser can be reached at features@sj-r.com.
